I hope your holiday season has been filled with family and love, and that the fullness of the Father’s love manifest in the incarnation of the Word becoming flesh and revealing His grace and truth, and the fullness of His love in Christ Jesus coming as God With Us, has filled your heart with awe and a true sense of the presence of the Holy Spirit. May the Holy Spirit now equip us to manifest grace and truth and the fullness of Jesus as the church, His body…. as we are the fullness of Him who fills all in all
December is filled with celebration around our home… my (Randy) birthday is the 16th, Christmas the 25th, Mary’s (my wife) birthday is the 27th and our wedding anniversary is the 28th… then the New Year! We are worn out and broke at the end of it every year but there is much to celebrate when life is so gooooooood in Him.
Mary and I celebrate our 53rd anniversary this year on Sunday. I generally mark the event with a syrupy sweet post on social media like what will shortly follow. I do so, not just to tout our longevity in love. God knows we aren’t perfect and there have been struggles we wouldn’t have survived without Him at our foundation. But, that is the exact reason I share it, and do so again here. Our marriage has been founded on an understanding of Biblical love that has made all the difference. The first 6 years were difficult, after that, the LORD got our attention and things changed. A large part of that was our understanding of how closely commitment and faithfulness are tied to the nature and character of God in love. Here is an example of what I normally post:
AFTER 53 YEARS I AM STILL LOVING MARY!
We, Mary and I, are both very ordinary people,… really, both of us. But our love and commitment over 53 years has, unfortunately, become a bit extraordinary in our culture today! We live in a very consumables and consumer driven culture and time. If we don’t like something, we just throw it away and get something new, or something we like better. That has, unfortunately, come to apply to relationships in our culture as well. And, believe me, I am sure there have been times when she has wanted to toss me and find something better! It takes a special kind of unflappable, even-keeled personality and tremendous patience to endure a lifetime in marriage to one such as I. You must be 1/3 complete saint, and of course, 1/3 great lover, and 1/3 lion tamer.
But, it is our understanding of what love is, and what it requires, that would not allow either of us to toss the relationship along the way.
It was 53 years ago today that at two weeks past 20 I made a commitment to a girl a day over 17. Miss Mary Louise Eldredge. Most told us we were too young. We probably were! The first 6 years were rugged as we both matured and finished raising one another. We probably stayed together just to spite those naysayers in those early years.
I memorized 1st Corinthians 13 as my vows. Boy, that “I will be patient, and kind, I will not act unbecomingly, and will keep no score of wrongs,” has been tough to live up to, and not too tasty to swallow as I’ve failed and eaten those words many times. She took Ruth’s vow to Naomi: “for where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people will be my people, and your God my God.” Little did she know I would move her more than 20 times and pull her all over the country, as a career in radio became like tent making to Paul for us in His purpose. But the commitments made were serious and lasted and we are blessed
That commitment to her has been the best of my life. She has been, and still is, my perfect match and mate. Her love never fails. In the good and bad, up and down, lean and abundant times her love is consistent and committed. God has deeply, richly, blessed me with her love as a gift, and graced me with the joy of sharing life with her, and with her help. I am overjoyed to have her as my best friend, counselor, lover, wife, partner and more. She inspires life in me, and others, with her laughter, her heart of praise, her encouragement, her hospitality gift, her love, and her positive paradigm focused on His goodness.
Yes, her eyes still dance and she delights me with them, and her smile drives joy to my heart daily. Her love of people, her family, friends, strangers, and her LORD still daily inspire me to be a better man as they always have. Her embrace of life, the ups and the downs, challenges and the triumphs, more and the less, weakness and strength, in all that any day may bring, give me unwavering help and support. But, it is knowing her commitment to me, and for me, in everything, even when I am very unlovely, unbecoming. And, even in those times when it’s hard to even be near me, much less like me in any way, that causes me to want to humble myself before her, praise her, and be committed to her, in like manner in the adventure that is life, and yet day after day.
So, we mark 53 extraordinary years together today. And, we are committed to all the days that remain ahead. I am still… still loving Mary!
Hearing her take on her days each morning with praise inspires me daily. I grump and gripe, and I cuss and fuss. She gives thanks and sings praise and draws my heart to follow after. I am certain I always will. I am led and inspired because of the marvel of Mary. So, again, today, I thank the Lord for Mary, and another year with her, AND for His faithfulness / commitment in love for us, and a revelation of Biblical love that has made all the difference in us, and many we have shared it with in wedding and marriage counseling.
And, again, I will share our understanding for biblical love/commitment: “Love…. bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” 1st Corinthians 13:7-8a. Those that know me well have heard me wax eloquent about the nature of love and that Biblical love has nothing to do with warm fuzzies and emotion. It is based in commitment/faithfulness. That is why it is commanded. You can’t command emotion.
True love is a decision of the will and requires action.
Here is the definition that has served us, and so many others we have counseled and shared it with, so well over the years:
-Love is the decision to act toward a person, group, or situation (even enemies) in a particular way NO MATTER WHAT, because you know that is what God has asked you to do. –
As such it is a response of obedience to God (if you come from a Biblical mindset like we do, or to your own conscience / character in a more secular paradigm). Love is active, and it is often measured by sacrifice. This understanding has served us, and many others we have shared it with, well over the years. I hope it helps and serves you in your relationships and loving… of even the unlovely
True love is based in commitment
(which is closely related to faithfulness in the nature and character of God).
Love is a decision of the will, not an emotion or warm fuzzies.
It is the decision to act toward a person, group or situation in a particular way no matter what
because you know that is what God has asked you to do.
As such it is a response of obedience to God. That is why, from a Biblical perspective, Love is commanded .
As I said, I do not post this kind of thing annually on social media out of any sense that my wife and I have perfected marital bliss, but because I am convinced our culture misunderstanding, or cheapening, the nature of commitment, in what we call love, has diminished relationships. And, in fact, has destroyed many relationships and marriages. And, on the other hand, I am convinced comprehending Biblical love as a response of obedience to what God has asked of you in relation to another person, group, or situation… And, seeing that He has demonstrated it so well toward us in His word and manifested it in Jesus, has made all the difference for us. And, we have seen it do the same for many others.
When I counseled others more, I used to have men come to me and say: “I want out. I just don’t love her any more! My response would be. Look, you’ll just have to make the decision to love her because in Ephesians 5:25 husbands are commanded: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,”. They would generally tell me something like “You don’t understand, or aren’t listening. I can’t do that. I don’t love her any way like, or even near, that. I don’t think I even like her much anymore, and I’m certainly not going to sacrifice myself, and my happiness, for her.” And, I’d say well you just have to start with loving her like a neighbor because as believers we are commanded in Matthew and Mark [Matthew 19:22, Mark 12:31)…. YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.” Again they would say…“You don’t get it…. Listen! I don’t, I can’t love her…!!” So, finally I would say, Well you’ll have to love her as an enemy because in Luke 6 we are told [Luke 6:27 NASB95] 27 “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you… (see also Luke 6:35 and Matthew 5:44).
Obviously these answers were not initially helpful in a practical sense. But they did lay the groundwork for understanding that the kind of love God commands us to for people is not always about our comfort, and certainly not based on a response to how we feel or warm fuzzies, but what He is asking of us for them. From there, with many believers, we could start working toward reconciliation even when there were deep hurts or unfaithfulness.
This kind of love, again, is based on commitment, no matter what, and that is the difficult part. And the nature of commitment and faithfulness from God’s, or a biblical, perspective is best understood going into a relationship for believers. Count the costs before. Please understand, I am not saying anyone should stay in a relationship where they are being physically or emotionally abused (too deep a subject to go into here), but reconciliation of relationships is possible in Him, IF believers are willing to obey and communicate. God is faithful (committed) in covenant love and His design is that we be also. It is why Paul tells Timothy :
[2Timothy 2:13 NASB95] 13 If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself
.Following is some scripture for consideration regarding the command to love
[Ephesians 5:25 NASB95] 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
The command here is to men/husbands. They are responsible for love in that covenant. It is to be sacrificial, and requires much. Note: women are never told to “Love your husbands”. If a man loves her like Christ loves the church, she will respond in love, and he will be very pleased with her. That is because husbands and wives are to be a picture of Christ and the church in love. (see Ephesians 5:32-33). Once you see the fullness of Christ’s love for you, you will respond in submission (not subservience) out of love. (Note to the counseling conversation outlined above… when men told me “I just don’t love her anymore”, I knew they weren’t lying and where some foundational problems might be.)
[Mark 12:29-31 NASB95] 29 Jesus answered, “The foremost is, ‘HEAR, O ISRAEL! THE LORD OUR GOD IS ONE LORD; 30 AND YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND, AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH.’ 31 “The second is this, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
Jesus indicated what the great commandments were and both involved the activity of love. Love God and Love your neighbor. In other places he even indicated the whole of the law and prophets hung on these two commands.
“[Matthew 5:43-48 NASB95] 43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ 44 “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on [the] evil and [the] good, and sends rain on [the] righteous and [the] unrighteous. 46 “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 “If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing [than others?] Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 “Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
It is the Father’s nature and character to love. It should not surprise us whom He loved enough to reconcile is in Jesus, while we were His enemies, that He commands us to love even enemies and the unlovely.
[Romans 5:8-10 NASB95] 8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath [of God] through Him. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life.
Love is the Law of the Kingdom. Because we are in the Body, it is ours to exercise effort and diligence to preserve the bonds of unity and peace.
[Colossians 3:12-14 NASB95] 12 So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. 14 Beyond all these things [put on] love, which is the perfect bond of unity. (“put on” here is italicized because it is added for understanding… read without it, it is obviously a command to love if you are to have the perfect bond of unity.)
[Ephesian 4:1-3 NASB95] 1Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, 3 being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
The example of love and reconciliation in the family of God is carried from Genesis to Revelation. The first heinous sin that divided the family was … jealousy that led to the murder of Cain. But we also have examples of reconciliation throughout. Reconciliation is always possible, and the onus is always on us to pursue it. Otherwise we can be consumed and destroy one another. Bitterness and being unwilling to forgive…lead to death of relationships and people on both ends. Note the pattern of family reconciliation examples here:
Genesis 32 & 33 Jacob and Esau
Genesis 45 -50 Joseph and his brothers
then there IS JESUS…. making reconciliation available with the Father…
[Romans 5:8-11 NASB95] 8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath [of God] through Him. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. 11 And not only this, but we also exult in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation.
Peter and Jesus
[John 21:15-17 NASB95] 15 So when they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, [son] of John, do you love Me more than these?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.” He said to him, “Tend My lambs.” 16 He said to him again a second time, “Simon, [son] of John, do you love Me?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.” He said to him, “Shepherd My sheep.” 17 He said to him the third time, “Simon, [son] of John, do you love Me?” Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, “Do you love Me?” And he said to Him, “Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You.” Jesus said to him, “Tend My sheep.
Peter failed and denied Him. Jesus did not give up on Peter and His calling of Him. Peter… he asked twice. Do you love me sacrificially with agapeo, love that will give up all for me. Peter said each time….Lord I love you like a brother (phileo), essentially indicating he was not as committed or faithful and he knew he should be, and had proved it by his denial and return to fishing. He is then grieved at the third question from Jesus which is do you phileo me. But do notice that Jesus never condemned, and never backed away from His calling of Peter or His believing/knowing that Peter would fulfill his call and love of Jesus. Saying each time Tend my lambs, Shepherd my sheep, Tend by sheep. He remains faithful in His love and call of us, even when we are faithless. That is agapeo..based in commitment.
Paul, Barnabas, and John Mark
[Acts 15:37-39 NASB95] 37 Barnabas wanted to take John, called Mark, along with them also. 38 But Paul kept insisting that they should not take him along who had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work. 39 And there occurred such a sharp disagreement that they separated from one another, and Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus.
[2Timothy 4:11 NASB95] 11 Only Luke is with me. Pick up Mark and bring him with you, for he is useful to me for service.
A sharp disagreement resulted in breaking fellowship between Barnabas and Paul and Paul and Mark. It is obvious that reconciliation was worked through, and Paul later considered Mark profitable in ministry.
Because of Jesus’ example of love and reconciliation in the face of wrong, we carry the onus to reconcile to each other and everyone.
We live in a culture that regards relationships as disposable, but that is not in the nature and character of God! He is a God of relationship in love. He, in fact, exists in relationship with Father, Son and Holy Spirit that is One, (the Hebrew here is echad – bound together – inseparable). The scriptures declare His/Your love is everlasting more than 40 times and His faithfulness (commitment) is said to reach to all generations.
[Psalm 36:5 NASB95] 5 Your lovingkindness, O LORD, extends to the heavens, Your faithfulness [reaches] to the skies.
[Psalm 100:5 NASB95] 5 For the LORD is good; His lovingkindness is everlasting And His faithfulness to all generations.
[Psalm 119:90 NASB95] 90 Your faithfulness [continues] throughout all generations; You established the earth, and it stands [Lamentations 3:22-23 NASB95] 22 The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. 23 [They] are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.
Then note again His commitment in the marriage covenant revealed through Hosea. The prophet that had a harlot and unfaithful wife.
[Hosea 2:19-20 NASB95] 19 “I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, In lovingkindness and in compassion, 20 And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the LORD.
We are charged with the ministry of reconciliation. Jesus addressed it early in His ministry.
[Matthew 5:21-26 NASB95] 21 “You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT MURDER’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.’ 22 “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty [enough to go] into the fiery hell. 23 “Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering. 25 “Make friends quickly with your opponent at law while you are with him on the way, so that your opponent may not hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the officer, and you be thrown into prison. 26 “Truly I say to you, you will not come out of there until you have paid up the last cent.
We are ambassadors of reconciliation. But, How can we entreat the world to reconcile with, and be reconciled to, God, if His love can’t even move us to reconcile with one another?
[2Corinthians 5:18-21 NASB95] 18 Now all [these] things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, 19 namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 He made Him who knew no sin [to be] sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.
Why spend all this ink on reconciliation when the point is love is a response of obedience and is commanded? The answer is revealed to a large extent in this passage to the church at Corinth where Paul reveals his ministry in the gospel as one of entreating, begging on the behalf of Jesus, for men to be reconciled to God through Jesus. The same word of reconciliation, He has committed to us that believe and are in the world as ambassadors from the Kingdom of our Lord. Our authority and credentials are founded and established in the fullness of His love, which we alone can manifest as recipients and as His body.
[1John 4:20-21 NASB95] 20 If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. 21 And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also. (consider also vs 17-20 here as well)
[1John 3:16-18 NASB95] 16 We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. 17 But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? 18 Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.
AGAIN, LOVE IS NOT DEPENDENT ON EMOTION OR FEELINGS…. WE ARE CLEARLY COMMANDED TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER! Love is not manifested in words alone but is active and displayed in deeds
[John 13:34-35 NASB95] 34 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. 35 “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”
“[John 15:12-17 NASB95] 12 “This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. 13 “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. 14 “You are My friends if you do what I command you. 15 “No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. 16 “You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and [that] your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. 17 “This I command you, that you love one another.
[Romans 13:8 NASB95] 8 Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled [the] law.
[Romans 12:9-10 NASB95] 9 [Let] love [be] without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 [Be] devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor (the “Let” and “be” in verse 9 are parenthesized because they are added for understanding. Read without them they are clearly a command.)
[1Thessalonians 4:9 NASB95] 9 Now as to the love of the brethren, you have no need for [anyone] to write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another;
[1Peter 1:22-23 NASB95] 22 Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart, 23 for you have been born again not of seed which is perishable but imperishable, [that is,] through the living and enduring word of God.
[1John 3:9-11 NASB95] 9 No one who is born of God practices sin, because His seed abides in him; and he cannot sin, because he is born of God. 10By this the children of God and the children of the devil are obvious: anyone who does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor the one who does not love his brother. 11 For this is the message which you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another;[2John 1:5-6 NASB95] 5 Now I ask you, lady, not as though [I were] writing to you a new commandment, but the one which we have had from the beginning, that we love one another. 6 And this is love, that we walk according to His commandments. This is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, that you should walk in it.
I pray this stroll through commandments regarding love and reconciliation has been helpful and fruitful. And even if you are not persuaded that the understanding of love I have shared is accurate, I hope you are inspired to love as the first reaction to people, groups, and and situations you find yourself relating to. My prayer is we may take the words of John the apostle to heart…
[1John 4:7, 11 NASB95] 7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. … 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another